Camelot in 2012
By LARRY CAMELOT
HELLO: United States Olympic Committee, may I help you?
Yes. Hi, I'm an intern from the office of the presidential campaign of Mitt Romney, may I speak with Mr. Sandusky, please?
US: Patrick Sandusky?
MITT-TERN: Is there another?
US: Well, um, yes, but PATRICK Sandusky works here. He's the head of communications for the USOC.
MITT-TERN: Yes. That's the guy. May I speak with Mr. Sandusky, please?
US: Well, he's a pretty busy man. The London Olympics are about to begin and Mr. Sandusky...
MITT-TERN: I know, I know, he's very busy, but I'm calling on behalf of Mitt Romney, the presumed republican candidate for the office of the President of the United States. Mr. Romney is a busy man, too, and he is trying to become the President of the United States. Indirectly, Mr. Romney could become Mr. Sandusky's boss.
US: Good point, but, I'm here in London and the people around here have a very different opinion.
MITT-TERN: Well, I know. That's why I'm calling.
US: Are you in London?
MITT-TERN: No. I'm just an intern. Mr. Romney's in London, though.
US: Oh yes, we know. He's made quite a name for himself with our colleagues over at the London 2012 Organizing Committee, and, with the British press, God Save the Queen.
MITT-TERN: Well, I know, that's why I'm calling.
US: You see, your candidate, your presumed candidate - and I do stress presumed - decided to undermine the efforts of the entire London Olympics on the day before the Games were about to begin with the Opening Ceremonies. In one fell swoop, he managed to un-do about four years of painstaking preparations, millions of hours of hard work and he thoroughly and unabashedly embarrassed the entire nation. He was asked a simple question in a television interview -- over here, they call it, the telly - and he began an unnecessary rant about the lack of qualified security officers, then he started in on ticket sales issues, And, then ...
MITT-TERN: I know, I know, that's why I'm calling.
US: Hold on, now, your candidate is trying to beef-up his resume on the foreign relations side but he proceeded to second-guess one of our closest and longest standing allies? On the nightly news?
MITT-TERN: Yes, yes. he did. I know. I'm calling to get the emails and phone numbers of some of the media people over there in London. We need to contact them with a new statement.
US: You mean, Romney wants you to call up or email the media to cover up his mistake?
MITT-TERN: Oh, no, we wouldn't want to use the word cover-up, that's too strong. How about back track? Or, better yet, we'll clarify what Mr. Romney actually meant to say. Cover-up reminds people of President Nixon, one of the great Republican Party Presidents, along with President George W. Bush, uhh.
US: You mean during his live, on-camera interview, they might've mis-quoted him? We have the tapes, here, and most - make that all - of the London tabloids have already called seeking apologies from the State Department or at least the Olympic Committee. It's late over here, you know? It's well past deadline. They still have deadlines here in London because they actually have newspapers that people read. They sell dozens of them, all day and night. Your man is on most of the covers of all of those broadsheets and tabloids tomorrow, you know? And, since you brought up President "W" - he was quite the darling of the British media, you know. I think they're looking for a new foil, and your man stepped right into his tea and crumpets.
MITT-TERN: Oh no.
US: Oh yes. On the Olympics, he's quoted as saying, "It's hard to know just how well it will turn out. There were a few things that were disconcerting." He said that on camera to NBC News, then, he went on to talk about the bane of all event organizers, the hated (psst) SECURITY ISSUES, then, he speculated about a proposed customs strike that never materialized. The guy has no clue! Even when he went to apologize today, he said something to the head of the organizing committee that really pissed him off. Let me get it for you, hold on."
US: Oh yeah, all the reports say he met with the Prime Minister, not the head of the organizing committee, that guy's too busy. Romney is quoted as saying, "Of course there will be errors from time-to-time" but they'll be over-shadowed by inspiring performances. So, even in his "back-track" he totally blew it.
MITT-TERN: I know, I know, but can I JUST speak with Mr. Sandusky?
US: Well, Patrick Sandusky is on another line, right now, can I put you through to his voice-mail? He checks it often, and it works great, except when the mailbox is full, like this past Friday, Saturday, Sunday, when your Romney candidate caused this stir, this semi-international incident of the most ridiculous proportions, especially for someone who is already so weak at foreign relations.
MITT-TERN: Now, wait, that's not fair. Mr. Romney is a good man. He's helped many nations by taking decent paying American jobs and while he worked with his old company, Bain, he bought-out companies, then directed them to out-source those jobs to places like India. Millions of Americans lost their jobs, but they need those jobs in India, you know, it's one of the burgeoning world powers, just the way China was a few years back. Mr. Romney catches quite a bit of flack for that portion of his life, when he started Bain, made hundreds of millions of dollars that he's been living off from off-shore accounts he's invested in heavily for the past decade or so, while he avoids paying high income taxes and tools around in politics.
US: Really? I thought he had some type of Olympic Games experience?
MITT-TERN: Well, he did, but that's another story. You know, he was the Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts when they began a universal healthcare initiative on his watch. He was quite proud of it until all his Republican colleagues started to criticize President Obama for trying to do the same thing, you know? And, while we're on that topic, I saw where the Opening Ceremonies paid quite a tribute to Great Britain's (National Health System) NHS, they had a lot of nurses out there, along with Peter Pan, Mary Poppins and even Paul McCartney!
US: Well, that's not here nor there, because those Republican friends of your man, Romney, keep voting down the healthcare bill, then when it passed, they keep trying to repeal it, even though the Supreme Court made a ruling that's it's certainly constitutional. Then they tried some word-smithing, the way you are trying now, with this “Mitt-Flip,” and some guy named Boehner who always cries when he gets emotional said it was a TAX!” Can you believe that? You think those guys don’t think the American public can tell when they are lying right through their teeth, trying to manipulate the truth, then pointing fingers all over the place. Even when the Supreme Court rules, they try to reverse it, always trying to make things stand still, always stagnant, stuck in the same old place without trying to fix things their predecessors screwed up from 2001 until 2008.
MITT-TERN: Well, now. If that's what you say? You didn't have to bring the United States Supreme Court into the issue, now did you?
US: So, well, Mr. Sandusky's line is free now, let me see if I can connect you.
US: Oh, sorry, he's stepped away from his desk and he said something about Mitt Romney making him sick. Can I connect you to his voice mail?