Greetings from the Commonwealth and also from the Island of Manhattan, the place you trekked into as one of the bridge and tunnel crew from your Daddy’s place in Queens. Those two places mark my current dwellings and where I attempt to cultivate the most business.
It is that of which I write. While we have pretty significant differences of opinion on most major policy issues - mainly because I like definitive policies with a concrete foundation and you like to fly by the seat of your Hong Kong manufactured pants, but let’s leave that for another day, OKAY?
I’m writing today to say I was so impressed with the way you shook-down the Carrier Corp, makers of air conditioners and other luxury appliances. I thought it was great that your very first major move after the election was to make a total jack-ass out of Mike Pence and do your mafia don thing to strong-arm Carrier execs, in a deal where you didn’t even both to consult with the Union heads before you announced it to the world.
Pretty savvy dealings, Donald. Nothing like ‘bustin’ the Unions before you even make it to 1600.
Anyway, since you are still President Elect (might be best to cut this deal before you are bolted down by the laws of actually being POTUS, right?), I thought I’d write to offer you a very similar deal. You can orchestrate about $5 million in tax cuts and payments directly to me and I will promise not to move my small business to Mexico or elsewhere. So many of the small business entrepreneurs are thinking of relocating to either Canada or maybe places like Aruba, Bermuda, or The Dominican. But, I’ll Make You a Deal.
You do the exact same deal and I’ll keep my business here in the Commonwealth, and you can cozy-up to your good buddy Charlie and say what a great thing you’ve done for Massachusetts.
Since you didn’t exactly “win in a landslide” up here in New England, it will provide you with some much-needed PR and goodwill, just in case you wanna win some seats at the MidTerms or run in 2020. Giving away $5-7 million to large and small business owners is precedent setting stuff. In these United States, it’s just great, because I understand you plan to unite everyone and treat everyone equally. That’s what you said in Ohio on your Mission Accomplished Victory tour and that’s what you said on Election Night, to help stop the riots in the streets and at the Passport application offices.
So, to be perfectly clear, please contact me and I will provide the details for direct deposit.
The terms: You send a $2.5 million deposit, and I will promise (you know how much promises mean, right) to not move my company.
Send the second installment (another $2.5M) and I will promise not to fire 1,500 people, but might shelve 400 just to keep my end of the bargain and follow the exact same precedent of the deal you cut with Carrier in Mikey’s home State. (the place where all the young women ran away for their lives after Mikey, the VEEP elect, signed all those draconian laws last year. Remember? (If not, ask all the company heads at Lilly and even at Angie’s List, okay?) - (crap, even the NCAA was ready to pull up stakes).
So, I’m ready if you need to negotiate and get the best of me. I might settle for an even $4 million and will let you do one of those fake rally’s with all the white people standing behind you cheering, okay?
We’ll play The Dead’s “Shakedown Street” as your new theme song. Since Jerry’s already gone, I’m sure they won’t diss you the way Elton, Bruce and The Stones did.
Thanks. Great doing business with ‘ya.
If you can keep sending everyone some $5-7M in tax breaks and people like me a cool $2.5M to keep my biz here in the Commonwealth, you will truly live up to your #1 campaign promise, to Make America Great Again.
Let’s get going, now. Time’s a wastin’
PS: Nice job with the whole Beijing relations thing. I'm sure you were merely paying respects to General Tso inventor Chef Peng Chang-kuei, right? I'm sure you've had it many times with Yoko at Mr Chow's on 57th, am I correct?
PSS: Let's buy Hess Trucks for all the poor kids too?
cc: Charlie Baker, Elizabeth Warren, Ed Markey (the Senator, not the Goodyear guy).